In my conversations with parents or in conversations I overhear around town, I’ve noticed that many parents publically mention their children’s grades to one another.
It goes something like this:
Me: How are your kids doing these days?
Another Parent: Great. Yea, _____ is getting a 4.7 this year. We are so lucky with our kids. _____ has never even brought home a “B.”
Me: Holy cow, that sounds like (s)he’s been really working hard.
Another Parent: Yea, we are so blessed. They are really great kids.
Or, a FaceBook entry from a Proud Parent: “ ______ got a 4.0 this term. We are so proud of her/him.”
Or, a bumper sticker: “Proud Parent of an Honor Roll Student at _____ School.”
Now, there’s nothing wrong with being proud of your child’s accomplishments, but let’s think about the message we parents are sending when we announce their grades in public. When we publically proclaim our kid’s grades, we are focusing on their performance instead of focusing on them as whole people. When we do this it’s easy to believe their (good or bad) performance determines WHO they are and HOW they are. I’m reminded of this in the documentary “Race to Nowhere,” when one of the teachers talks about this performance-driven society. Derrick, a teacher in Oakland reflects, “You never knew if he was a good kid, you only knew he was a good student.”
Another reason I’m not fond of talking about my child’s grades publically is I believe it is an invasion of privacy. Adults would never dream of asking each other publically how much money they made last year, yet they don’t have any qualms about telling friends what their child’s GPA is. I personally find it a bit offensive when someone asks me directly or indirectly what my child’s grades are. My child’s grades are his business. Not mine, or my friend’s. If we expect our children to take ownership of their grades, then we must give them the respect they deserve by allowing them to monitor their own grades and make adjustments when they feel it’s needed.
Is it ok to bribe your children to get better grades? That, to me, is like bribing your spouse (with a new gadget or vacation or massages for a year) if he or she brings home a bigger paycheck. Would we ever do that? No! Yet we do it with our kids. What good will come of bribing kids? It will most certainly improve their grades, but at what cost? They may cheat or lie to get a better grade. They may even develop stress-related illnesses to get better grades. And, bribing or rewarding takes the focus off learning. Our kids are supposed to be getting excited about the new things they are learning in school and in life. If we bribe them to get a higher measurable result on a test or in a class, we are overriding the importance of learning with the importance of the outcome--the grade, the number.
It is true that we live in a numbers driven society. In fact, our definition of success is often determined by things that can be measured numerically – grade point averages, salaries, price of house we own, price of cars we drive, price of college we attend, etc. It’s easy to get caught up in this, and harder to stop. But we must stop this focus if we want to value the whole child and his or her learning experience.
The next time someone mentions their children’s grades in public, what are some good responses? How about, “That’s great, but does he/she have any hobbies or time for fun things outside of school?” or, “What else does he/she like about school besides getting good grades?” or, “Who are your child’s closest friends these days?” or, “I don’t really feel comfortable talking about my kid’s grades, but I’ll tell you what he/she is really into these days…”
My husband had a great idea for a bumper sticker. Instead of “My child is an honor roll student” he suggested, “Honor the student, NOT the roll!” And, here’s another one I like, “At ____ school, EVERY student is an HONORED student.”
