Thanksgiving Tips from Madeline Levine

Taken from: 

Courageous Parenting Blog

by: Madeline Levine, Ph.D.

Challenge Success website

Regaining Gratitude This Thanksgiving

Ever notice how ironic it is that the holiday that’s designed to make us feel serenely grateful for all that we have—our family, our friends, our prosperous life here in the land of turkey and maize and cranberry salad—falls right in the middle of the most hectic, exhausting time of the year?

Think about it. Our kids are burned out from tests and endless pages of homework. One school project follows closely on the heels of another. Sports and other extracurricular events have left all of us exhausted. Meanwhile, Hanukkah and Christmas (with all their economic, social and familial obligations) loom forebodingly on the horizon.

So how can we pause for a day in the midst of all the chaos and stress—not to mention the weird family dynamics that must be navigated over the Thanksgiving table—and just feel thankful?

The complete answer to that question could fill a book! (And if you know a good one, I’d love the name of it!) But because parenting is my area of expertise, I will zero in on our (complicated, stressful, worry-filled) relationship with our children.

Twenty-first century parents fret. It’s what we do. We wring our hands over our kids’ grades, their social development, their performance on the playing field, their future.

Yet it’s been proven again and again that all of our overparenting behaviors—our bribes, our threats, our micromanagement, our insistence that kids do more, better, faster—not only don’t work, they have the opposite effect. Our frantic efforts to give our kids “an edge” are harming rather than helping them.

And so, based on the knowledge that anxiety and gratitude can’t co-exist, let’s all just relax and trust the research. By research I mean the reams of solid scientific evidence that proves backing off a little is the best thing we can do for our kids.

Below are 10 resolutions that I originally wrote for the beginning of the school year. In the spirit of Thanksgiving I have repurposed them here. I think they speak to the mindset that keeps us from living in the moment and truly savoring the all-too-short time we really have with our kids.

Ten Resolutions For Becoming a More Grateful Parent:

1. I will make sure my child gets a full night’s sleep. Kids need between nine and 12 hours a night. Sleep deprivation impairs concentration, memory, and the ability to accurately read emotional cues. It makes kids crabby and compromises their ability to learn.

2. I will remember that I am a parent, not a CEO. Results are down the line, not at the end of the quarter. This means the occasional “B” or “C” will not break your child’s future prospects. Stop catastrophizing. You won’t see the final fruits of your parenting until your child is grown and gone.

3. I will remember the success trajectory is a squiggle ... not a straight line. Few of us become successful by simply putting one foot in front of the other. Most of us encounter a multitude of twists, turns, direction changes, and stops on the way to our goals.

4. I will love the child in front of me. Appreciate and be thankful for your child’s unique gifts. Children are talented in a multitude of different ways. See your child’s particular talents clearly.

5. I will not push my child to be perfect. Besides genetics, perfectionism is the strongest predictor of clinical depression. Life is full of mistakes, imperfect days, and human failings. Kids need to learn how to cope with these inevitabilities. They (and you) need to be able to feel happiness and gratitude in the face of imperfection.

6. I will not do for my child what he can do for himself. This kills motivation and the ability to innovate. Both are missing from too many young people in today’s workforce.

7. I will not do for my child what she can almost do for herself. At one time your child could almost walk. Now she can walk. Enough said.

8. I will not confuse my needs with my child’s needs. This is the most toxic manifestation of overparenting. Get a hobby or a therapist instead.

9. I will honor the importance of PDF (Play Time, Down Time and Family Time). Don’t overschedule. Kids need time to play, daydream, and just hang out. It’s in these precious “between” times that crucial developmental tasks are accomplished.

10. I will value my own (adult) life. Being a happy, fulfilled, and yes, grateful adult makes you a better parent. It’s one of the best gifts you can give your child. It makes adulthood look like something worth striving for.

When we observe Thanksgiving the way I believe we’re meant to, we realize that life is truly rich and bountiful. As parents, we’ve been given life’s greatest gift. Learning to appreciate and honor that gift may mean breaking the culturally sanctioned patterns that cause us to unknowingly damage our kids even as we seek to make life better for them.

Overparenting is about anxiously exerting control. Gratitude is about accepting what we’ve been given and noticing the joy that it brings. This Thanksgiving weekend, let’s try to do less of the former and more of the latter. And from here out, let’s try to guide and teach our kids without seeking to force them into the mold that we (and society) believe they should conform to. When you can master that balance you will become a perpetually grateful parent.

6 Things That Matter More Than Grades

I'm re-posting Madeline Levine's blog post from the Challenge Success website below. In a nutshell, she writes that the following six things are more important than perfect grades:


• Having Friends – one of the best predictors of mental health. Kids who are too preoccupied with grades and put all their energy into studying don’t have the necessary time to cultivate strong relationships. Other people tend to be seen as ways to gain an advantage rather than as potential sources of mutual support. Sometimes parents say, “They can make friends later.” No they can’t. Being a good friend takes a great deal of practice beginning early in life.

• Character – integrity, honesty, reliability. These are the kinds of traits that we look for in friends, spouses and workers. This country has seen enough despair brought on by people who lack a basic sense of decency and responsibility to others.

• Resilience – Try to make it through life without a good set of coping skills. Impossible. Life throws lots of curve balls at us and will at our children. Learning how to manage: how to delay gratification, to exert self-control, to soothe one’s self, to fall down and get up again – are mandatory so that our children are not undone when faced with challenge. And they will be faced with challenge.

• Interests/Passions – I’m tentative about using the word “passion,” hence the interests/passions qualifier. I’ve had moms call me worried that their four-year-old child doesn’t have a “passion.” Life is their passion. Depending on temperament, for many kids, interest is enough. But Chloe is right when she says she isn’t really “learning anything.” Real interests and passions grow out of talent, time and practice. They make life rich.

• Collaboration – Every C-level executive I’ve spoken with underscores the need for collaboration in the workplace. In our “flat” world, problems are so complex, that they will not be solved by individuals sitting in a room and being hit by a bolt of lightening. People working together, often across cultures and time zones will solve them. And of course, we all know the benefit of having a collaborative spouse or best friend.

• Self-Reflection – Socrates said, “The unexamined life is not worth living.” Whether you’re a fan of psychology or not, having the time and inclination to understand one’s self is critical to making good decisions, to understanding motives and to appreciating the challenges that living presents. Kids who are busy “climbing the ladder” from early on will often say they don’t have time to “think about things.” Big mistake. Without thinking about things, one is likely to repeat mistakes and feel “lost.” A sense of self comes from many places, but can’t be constructed without time devoted to self-reflection.


I agree with Madeline Levine. Read the whole post here.

Your thoughts?

5-Week Parent Ed Course

In October, Challenge Success is offering a 5-Week parent education course called, "Raising Well-Balanced Children in a Fast-Paced World" in two locations in the Bay Area: Corte Madera and Walnut Creek.  You can register for either course here.

I took this course in Palo Alto a couple of years ago, and highly recommend it.  It will be a nice follow up to Madeline Levine's lecture at San Ramon Valley High School on October 2.

Free Challenge Success Event

You and your entire community are invited to attend the 

Challenge Success Free Parent Education Session. 

The Knowledge to Navigate: Strategies for Raising Healthy & Motivated Kids

September 28, 2012, from 7:00pm-9:00pm

Memorial Auditorium, Stanford University

Our Keynote, Michael Riera, Ph.D. joins our Co-Founders, Stanford Senior Lecturer, Denise Pope, Ph.D. and New York Times Bestselling Author, Madeline Levine, Ph.D. for an interactive discussion about long-lasting success and how families and educators can help kids become meaningful contributors for the 21st century.

This event is hosted by Challenge Success. Please visit, www.challengesuccess.org to register and contact aalamar@stanford.edu more information.

This event is THIS FRIDAY, September 28th!

I have attended this free event several times, and strongly encourage you to attend.  I'd like to see Challenge Success teams begin in many of our Tri Valley high schools.  Challenge Success is a nice follow up to the film Race to Nowhere and all of the issues that are raised in the film that we need to continuously be working on - student stress, over achievers, resume building from an early age, college requirements, homework overload, lack of sleep, lack of balance, teen suicide, etc.

Dr. Madeline Levine Event

 

and

Present
A Community Education Event ...

Parenting for Authentic Success

An evening with Dr. Madeline Levine 

best selling author of The Price of Privilege and Teach Your Children Well

_____________________________________________

Tuesday, October 2nd at 7:00pm

San Ramon Valley High School - P.A.C.

(Book Signing at the Event)

ADMISSION: $10 Pre-Registration On-Line or $15 at the Door

Middle School and High School Students – FREE

Seating is LIMITED ~ Pre-registration is RECOMMENDED!!!

Register for this Event Here

__________________________________________________________________

“Teach Your Children Well: Parenting for Authentic Success”acknowledges that every parent wants successful children, but emphasizes that until we are clearer about our core values and the

parenting choices that are most likely to lead to authentic success, we will continue to

raise exhausted, externally-driven, impaired children who believe that they are “only as

good as their last performance.” Real success is always an “inside job”, argues Levine,

and is measured not by today’s report card but by the people our children become ten to

fifteen years down the line.

Childcare Provided for Ages 3 yrs to Kindergarten

No children under 3 years old!!

REGISTRATION FOR CHILDCARE is REQUIRED!!!

Register My Kids for Childcare at this event here!

Spoiled or Special?

Check out this recent article by Elizabeth Kolbert in The New Yorker: "Spoiled Rotten: Why Do Kids Rule the Roost?"


Some highlights from this article:

• "With the exception of the imperial offspring of the Ming dynasty and the dauphins of pre-Revolutionary France, contemporary American kids may represent the most indulged young people in the history of the world. It’s not just that they’ve been given unprecedented amounts of stuff—clothes, toys, cameras, skis, computers, televisions, cell phones, PlayStations, iPods. (The market for Burberry Baby and other forms of kiddie “couture” has reportedly been growing by ten per cent a year.) They’ve also been granted unprecedented authority. “Parents want their kids’ approval, a reversal of the past ideal of children striving for their parents’ approval,” Jean Twenge and W. Keith Campbell, both professors of psychology, have written."

• "After four years in college and two on the West Coast, her son Jed moved back to Manhattan and settled into his old room in the family’s apartment, together with thirty-four boxes of vinyl LPs. Unemployed, Jed liked to stay out late, sleep until noon, and wander around in his boxers. Koslow set out to try to understand why he and so many of his peers seemed stuck in what she regarded as permanent “adultescence.” She concluded that one of the reasons is the lousy economy."

• “'The best way for a lot of us to show our love would be to learn to un-mother and un-father.' One practical tip ... is to do nothing when your adult child finally decides to move out." 

• "Also key, Druckerman discovered, is just saying non. In contrast to American parents, French parents, when they say it, actually mean it. They 'view learning to cope with ‘no’ as a crucial step in a child’s evolution,' Druckerman writes. 'It forces them to understand that there are other people in the world, with needs as powerful as their own.'”

• "The cycle in American households seems mostly to run in the opposite direction. So little is expected of kids that even adolescents may not know how to operate the many labor-saving devices their homes are filled with."

• "In A Nation of Wimps: The High Cost of Invasive Parenting (Broadway), Hara Estroff Marano argues that college rankings are ultimately to blame for what ails the American family. Her argument runs more or less as follows: High-powered parents worry that the economic opportunities for their children are shrinking. They see a degree from a top-tier school as one of the few ways to give their kids a jump on the competition. In order to secure this advantage, they will do pretty much anything, which means not just taking care of all the cooking and cleaning but also helping their children with math homework, hiring them S.A.T. tutors, and, if necessary, suing their high school." 

• "In contemporary American culture, the patterns are more elusive. What values do we convey by turning our homes into warehouses for dolls? By assigning our kids chores and then rewarding them when they screw up? By untying and then retying their shoes for them? It almost seems as if we’re actively trying to raise a nation of 'adultescents.' And, perhaps without realizing it, we are."

Ouch!

So, how do you feel after reading this article? My thoughts are that I realize my boys have been given a lot of stuff and experiences in their lives that are unnecessary, and yet I've tried to teach them to not be materialistic despite all that they have, and all they have experienced. I've also tried to be an authoritative parent (not permissive and not authoritarian) - hoping to guide them while giving and receiving both respect and love. It's a continual work in progress, parenting in between indulgence and strict obedience.

Check out my side bar under Books on Parenting.  One recently published book to note is: Teach Your Children Well: Parenting for Authentic Success by Madeline Levine.  And, a favorite of mine that I read several times when my boys were younger: Unconditional Parenting: Moving from Rewards and Punishments to Love and Reason by Alfie Kohn.

Your thoughts on spoiled children or parenting?