Are You a Carpenter or Gardener Parent?

I just listened to an informative podcast by NPR's Shankar Vendantam about parenting.  You can find the link here.  He interviewed Alison Gopnik, psychology and philosophy professor at Berkeley about two models of parenting, the carpenter versus the gardener model.

Listen to the podcast and see what type of parent you are.

The one thing that bothered me about the questions Shankar asked Alison was his narrow definition of success.  He seems to define successful children as those who are in the top 5% in any given field.  Ug.  Will we ever get past this?

I do think Ms. Gopnik was able to challenge him with her science on parents who allow children room to grow, explore, create, fail, innovate, etc.  Gardener parents don't expect a certain result by using certain tools and instruction manuals in raising their children (like carpenter parents do), instead, gardener parents help their children plant the seeds, step back, allow variables to derail the expected result, and ultimately accept whatever happens.

Parents are much less stressed out when they can adopt this mode of parenting.  This really is about parents living in the present by not expecting their kid's future to turn out a certain way and by being okay with what happens each day.  Some days may even come with pleasant, unexpected, wonderful surprises if you just sit back in wonder at what is growing in the garden we call our children's lives.

Homework Guidelines and Reflection

Are you ready for a new vision on homework?

Today the “Race to Nowhere" Team, as well as education and homework experts Alfie Kohn, Sara Bennett and Etta Kralovec will be presenting new Healthy Homework Guidelines to the National PTA in hopes of gaining their endorsement.

To see a sneak peek of a video they’ll be playing for the PTA promoting a new vision for homework, go here.

I am on the Advisory Board for the film "Race to Nowhere" and I support Vicki Abeles' efforts to bring homework to the agenda of the National PTA.

As Alfie Kohn says in the video, "Homework may be the greatest single extinguisher of children's curiosity that we have yet invented."

I read Kohn's book "The Homework Myth" in 2007 when my oldest son was in 7th grade. A typically happy, fun kid who loved life and liked school, he became depressed and seriously stressed out in 7th grade. Much of that was due to a bad experience with a teacher, with a subject (math), and with homework that year. It isn't an exaggeration to say he hated school that year and he will tell you even today how horrible middle school was for him particularly in 7th grade.

That was the year I got together with another parent and we took our homework concerns to the district. It ultimately ended with a creation of a homework task force (which I was on) and a revision of the district's homework policy.

Are things better now in my son's school district with regard to homework quality and quantity? Hmmm...every teacher and every child and every situation is different, so there is no gross generalization I can make about this.

The main point I try to make to parents is: don't stress out about your children's homework and grades. Their homework is THEIR homework, not YOURS. If they don't understand an assignment, they need to ask the teacher. They need to advocate for themselves. It is not your job to teach your children their assignments or do their homework for them. You can offer assistance when they ask you, but only be on the sidelines. Don't take over their work.

I'm speaking to an educated group of parents that read this blog, who are very involved in their children's lives. Perhaps we need to be a bit less involved, and let them take more ownership of their own activities and school work? Perhaps it's time to NOT stress about our children's academics and performance, but instead reflect on their spirit, goodness, character and playfulness- to enjoy their childhood before it is gone.