Are You a Carpenter or Gardener Parent?

I just listened to an informative podcast by NPR's Shankar Vendantam about parenting.  You can find the link here.  He interviewed Alison Gopnik, psychology and philosophy professor at Berkeley about two models of parenting, the carpenter versus the gardener model.

Listen to the podcast and see what type of parent you are.

The one thing that bothered me about the questions Shankar asked Alison was his narrow definition of success.  He seems to define successful children as those who are in the top 5% in any given field.  Ug.  Will we ever get past this?

I do think Ms. Gopnik was able to challenge him with her science on parents who allow children room to grow, explore, create, fail, innovate, etc.  Gardener parents don't expect a certain result by using certain tools and instruction manuals in raising their children (like carpenter parents do), instead, gardener parents help their children plant the seeds, step back, allow variables to derail the expected result, and ultimately accept whatever happens.

Parents are much less stressed out when they can adopt this mode of parenting.  This really is about parents living in the present by not expecting their kid's future to turn out a certain way and by being okay with what happens each day.  Some days may even come with pleasant, unexpected, wonderful surprises if you just sit back in wonder at what is growing in the garden we call our children's lives.

Advice for New Parents with Disabilities

By: Guest Blogger, Ashley Taylor, Disabledparents.org

Image Courtesy of Pixabay.com

Parenting is difficult at the best of times, and having a disability is certainly not going to make our journey as parents easier. You’re going to have to prepare yourself and your home for this new chapter in your life. Things will be hard. However, this is truly one of the most rewarding aspects of life, especially when armed with good information.

Adaptive Equipment Will Help

Every disability is different. Because of this, every individual will require different adaptive equipment to assist them. Whether it’s prosthetics, a cane, a rocker knife, or a mobility scooter, your equipment to make your life easier is also going to make raising a child easier. A button hooker may help you dress, but it will also help you dress your little one. You will also find new ways to use the items you have at home to help you take care of your baby.

These will probably be unique to your experience and will completely depend on how your disability affects you and what extra assistance you need. Unfortunately, there are very few guides for parents with disabilities, so it will largely be trial and error.

Teach Your Children Good Judgment

Depending on your disability, you may be more physically limited than other parents. You may have to teach your child how to be more independent than others at an early age. It may be a good idea to help your little one understand as early as possible that they may need to rely on themselves for the physical aspects of their life. You may not be there to catch them when they fall, so they will need to be able to make good decisions. They will need to determine if the course of action they set themselves on will lead to consequences they can treat themselves. Equipping them with a sense of responsibility is one of many ways you can help guide your child.

Prepare to Get Help

There is only so much a child can do on their own and your disability may limit your physical capacity. That is why it’s important to have a strong network of support as, even though it may seem cliché, the adage that it takes a village to raise a child is an accurate one. Share the load with your partner or with any family who has the time and capability to assist you. Ask a friend over to help watch your baby, so you can cook ahead for the week, catch up on laundry, or even just to give you time to take a nap. If you need further assistance, if you are a single parent, it’s good to familiarize yourself, in advance, with the various organizations that are there to relieve you.

Take Care of Yourself

Things will be stressful. Most likely, there is no getting around that. For various reasons, you may feel guilty for taking any time to yourself to practice self-care. Put every negative feeling and every excuse you use to put-off taking care of yourself aside. You need to take care of yourself. As a parent, this is not an option but a mandate. It may take time to find out exactly what things help you relax the best, but the process of finding out can be beneficial. If you’re at a loss as to where to begin, there are plenty of lists online that can give you some idea of how to engage in your needed self-care.

This, hopefully, will be a wonderful part of your life. You will make mistakes. You will struggle. Every parent, able-bodied or with a disability, does. That is part of life, and part of growing, both as a parent and an individual. But one of the best, most rewarding aspects of parenthood is that you will never be alone, and will be treading your path with those around you.

By: Ashley Taylor

Disabledparents.org

Top Ten Tips

Top Ten Tips to Help Your Child Thrive in School This Year 

-reposted from Challenge Success

1. Ask your child: “How was your day? Learn anything interesting? Get to spend time with friends?” instead of "How did you do on the math test?"

2. Resist the urge to correct the errors in your child's homework. It's your child's work, not yours.

3. Work done with integrity is more important than an A. Pressure to achieve only top scores can make students resort to cheating.

4. Make time for PDF: playtime, downtime, family time. Research shows PDF is critical for overall well-being.

5. Create a technology-free environment during mealtimes. Every adult and child can benefit from a break from constant interruptions and distractions.

6. Collaborate with your child's teachers. Assume best intentions and work together to solve problems.

7. Fight the temptation to bring your child’s forgotten homework to school. Kids gain resilience by learning from small failures.

8. An extra hour of sleep is more valuable than an extra hour of studying. Research shows sleep deprivation can be associated with depression and anxiety.

9. When your child wants to talk with you, stop what you are doing and engage. Does "I hate school" really mean "I am being bullied" or "I don't fit in?"

10. Help your child develop his or her interests and strengths. Discover what your child really loves to do outside of school, not what you think a college admissions officer would like to see on an application.

Parents of Elementary and Middle School students and Homework: What Is Your Role?

Check out this Challenge Success Webinar

Start the second half of the school year off right! Each week we hear from parents around the country that homework is hazardous to their family life. We're here to help. This Friday, January 30th, Dr. Denise Pope will host our first webinar on homework. 

Many parents struggle at least occasionally, and sometimes regularly, with their child over homework. Learn why the dynamics of homework have changed in recent years, what you can do to minimize homework stress, and how to help make homework time more positive for you and your child.

This presentation will provide you with:

• Information on the latest trends and research on homework
• Ideas for how best to support your child’s homework efforts
• Tips for how to communicate and collaborate effectively with teachers about homework

Target Audience: Parents of elementary and middle school students

This is our most requested presentation topic each year. Friday's webinar allows us to share this important content with parents and communities that we can't always reach in person. Get in on our introductory rate of $19/person. Please Note: there is a limit of 100 participants for this webinar. Reserve your ticket now. 
 

Sign-up for the Webinar!
Friday, January 30, 2015
12:30-2:00 pm PST
Introductory Price: $19/person

The Three Most Important Questions You Can Ask Your Teenager

by Michael Mulligan
from The Huffington Post
12/2/14
Read the whole article here.

Here are some quotes from the article:

"We have raised a generation that is plagued with insecurity, anxiety and despair.

...this generation of highly accomplished, college-bound students have been robbed of their independence because they have been raised in a petri dish for one purpose only: to attend an elite college that ensures their and their families' economic and social status. Instead of being nurtured towards real curiosity and a genuine sense of citizenship, these millennials are conditioned to think that everything they do is for the purpose of looking good in the eyes of admissions officers and employers: you earn good grades not because they mean you are learning something, but rather because they will help you stand out from your peers when applying to the Ivies. You engage in community service not because you wish genuinely to make a positive difference in the lives of others but rather because that is how you burnish your resume -- service as check-off box. You play sports not because they build character and teamwork and are a whole lot of fun, but because you want to try to get recruited for a college team. You study art or music not because you wish to refine your understanding of human nature, creativity and culture but because it will help you look smarter.

Many college students who fall apart under pressure because they cannot conceive of the fact that hard work and learning are positive outcomes in and of themselves. They have no sense of who they are or what is important in their lives. They have spent so much time trying to look good that they do not know what "The Good" (consider Plato here) really is.

We have raised a generation of kids who are taught that appearance is more important than substance and that outcomes are more important than character. As a result, they inhabit empty vessels that lead them to a series of negative behaviors that results in, yes, unhappiness, which they try erase with empty sex, drugs, alcohol...

...stop asking What (What grade did you get? What team did you make?) 

and begin asking Who, Where, and How?

• Who tells us who we are?
• Where do we want to go with our lives?
• How do we want to get there?"

Read the whole article here.

Wanting the Best, or Needing to Be the Best?

I'm reprinting an article entitled,

Harvard, Schmarvard; Why Getting Your Kids Into College Should Be the Least of Your Concerns
by Michelle Rose Gilman
9/28/14
Huff Post Parents


"It's almost that time of year. I can feel it in the fall air and see it on the faces of parents and seniors everywhere. It's almost college application time and the race begins, as parents and kids vie for the chance to get into their first choice colleges.

For some parents, college acceptance approaches the culmination of every single parenting choice ever made. It can seem the ultimate goal, the ROI of parenthood, the final gold award and the epitome of a parenting job well done. It feels like the end game for every AP class, honors class, volunteer opportunity, and sports involvement that you required of your child. This college acceptance looms as the justification for the hours upon hours of helping with homework, rewriting their essays, doing most of their science fair projects since sixth grade, hiring the most expensive college counselor, and pushing, pushing, pushing your kids to get the A at any cost. "My child got into his first choice university" will be worn proudly and loudly as a testament to how well you have done as mom and dad.

I'm just being honest. I have been hacking into your lives for the past 25 years as a founder and head of school at a private school in California. If you are finding yourself already getting annoyed or a little angry with me, I ask you to hear me out. I was once where you are now, until my son decided on a much different path and forced me to rethink the whole process and what constituted my achievement as a parent. It was not college acceptance."

Read the rest HERE

Please feel free to leave a comment.

Summer Homework Blues?

I recently received an email from an old friend, who now has middle school-aged children.

"Hi Kerry, I just had to touch base with you this morning because I was organizing my “favorites” on the computer and came across a bookmark for your blog. Your latest entry about what you learned with your kids was EXACTLY what I needed today. We have two kids ages 13 and 11. Academics comes easily for our older one, but the younger struggles. We have had tutors, screaming matches, etc. This summer my daughter has math homework as well as writing a report on books that she has read. She hates to read, which is such a shame because I feel she is missing out. We have been fighting all summer so far about her getting her work done.

I actually read the books she need to read and practically wrote one of the reports for her when hers was so awful. I feel horrible about it. After reading your blog, I have a renewed perspective! My husband has a healthier attitude about it—“it is their life, you have to let them live it”. I don’t know why stay-at-home mom’s feel so much pressure for their kids to “succeed” at everything. It truly is their life and they need their relationship with us far more than they need the academics. I know they will be fine because they are great human beings.

Thank you again for your words. They have really touched me today. My daughter will thank you too because you may have helped reduce the stress in our summer!"

What do you think about this? Do your kids have summer homework? How do you and they deal with it?

Do you think stay-at-home moms feel extra pressure for their kids to succeed at everything?

Looking Back and Looking Forward as an Empty Nester

I'm about to be an empty nester, and I am reflecting back on my youngest son's experiences in public school.  Here Sam was in middle school:

And, here he is now, about to graduate from high school:

School has been a struggle for Sam.  He is not in that top 20% academically.  I don't think he will be upset if I share that he has been in the Resource program since middle school. He has proudly, openly proclaimed that Resource saved him in both middle and high school. In addition to seeking out Resource services, probably the best thing I ever did for Sam (beginning in middle school) was to back off and stop micro-managing his homework.  

I, admittedly, hovered over him in elementary school WAY TOO MUCH. (Having a teaching background, I felt entitled to hover.) I'm actually embarrassed at how much I stepped in and "helped" him with homework.  I brought him to tears more than once during some marathon homework sessions.  I even made a video once of him crying when he was supposed to be doing homework and showed it to him. (I know, BAD PARENTING MOMENT, I'm truly ashamed I did that. I'm so sorry Sam!)

I finally backed off and woke up when I saw what homework was doing to both my sons in middle school - crushing their spirits.  And that's when I took an unpopular stand on homework and helped initiate a change in the homework policy in my son's district, back in 2007.  This blog was created out of that homework policy research.

Since then, parents will see me and ask, "Hey, whatever happened with the homework policy?  You did so much work on that and my son/daughter still gets busywork.  Why don't the teachers follow the policy?"

What I've learned through the years is what I knew from the beginning.  In their lifetime, our kids will have some truly excellent, creative, innovative, nurturing, intelligent, dedicated teachers (and both of my boys have) and they will also unfortunately experience some very non-exceptional teachers (and both of my boys have).  We parents have little or no control over what teachers our kids end up with.  But, as long as they are still living in our homes, we do have control over how we interact with them at the end of the school day.

Here are some concrete things I did to stop micro-managing my kids and let them take control of their own learning:

• I turned off the daily email feature on School Snoop (a.k.a. School Loop)
• I looked at School Loop only once per quarter or less
• I stopped asking them how much homework they had after school
• I didn't ask them when they had tests or quizzes or papers or projects due
• I didn't freak out when they said they failed or did really badly on a test or assignment
• I let them decide what classes they wanted to take
• I focused on the content of what they were learning instead of the grade
• I encouraged them to contact their own teachers with questions and frustrations instead of my doing it
• I encouraged them to seek out other students for support or help
• I empathized with them when they were frustrated about too much busywork
• I empathized with them when they were frustrated about a difficult teacher or administrator experience
• I stopped signing them up for too many after school activities
• I stopped sending them to tutors, eventually (this took a while for me to figure out)
• I encouraged down time and free play
• I didn't require them to build a resume for college
• I celebrated with them when they had little or no homework
• I celebrated with them when they experienced a great teacher or teaching moment

Did both of my boys fail some tests and assignments and not get straight A's? Yep.  Did either one end up with a 4.8 GPA?  Nope.  Did they both get into college?  Yep.  

I'd like to share with you that Sam, my Resource student son, got into a small, private school (Sierra Nevada College) that gave him a hefty academic scholarship because his GPA was over a 3.0. Sam didn't beat himself up academically to be in the top 20% of his class, and his grades are just over average, he took no honors or advanced classes, and yet he still found a college that seems to be a good fit for him and is giving him a half-tuition scholarship for his efforts.  

There is a right fit for every type of learner out there.  And, it doesn't have to be college.  It can be a gap year, or internship, or work, or whatever speaks to your child.  And, realize that kids may start out in college and not finish at the same school or even finish at all.  Whatever happens with their educational journey, I hope I can remember my list of things that I did to be a supportive, non-hovering, non-judgmental parent and just keep encouraging them along the way.

  

Denise Pope speaks at Parenting Conference

Denise Pope of Challenge Success will be the keynote speaker at this year's:

San Ramon Valley Council of PTAs      

Parenting 2014 & Beyond...

 Annual Parenting Conference

This year’s keynote speaker, Denise Pope, Ph.D., will talk about "Striving for Balance: Strategies to raise resilient kids in a fast-paced world." 

Denise Pope, Ph.D., is a Senior Lecturer at the Stanford University School of Education. For the past fourteen years, she has specialized in student engagement, curriculum studies, qualitative research methods, and service learning. She is co-founder of Challenge Success, a research and intervention project that provides schools and families the tools they need to raise healthy, motivated students.  She lectures nationally on parenting techniques and pedagogical strategies to increase student well-being, engagement with learning, and integrity.  

After the keynote presentation, participants will have the opportunity to attend their choice of a morning and an afternoon small-group seminar, focusing on a variety of current parenting topics. Detailed descriptions of the seminars are on the registration page and can also be found here.

$45 registration includes the keynote, two seminars, continental breakfast, and lunch. 

I've heard Denise speak many times and highly recommend going to this conference to hear her message.  I've taken her parenting class at Stanford, I believe in Challenge Success and what they promote about reducing student stress and finding family balance.  If you can't attend for the whole day, but can be there for her keynote address, please do so! 

Saturday March 8, 2014 8:30 AM - 2:30 PM PST
Add to Calendar

WhereDougherty Valley High School
10550 Albion Rd
San Ramon, CA 94582

Detailed descriptions of the seminars are on the registration page and can be found here.

Sorry Friedman, YOU Missed the Point

My Op-Ed review of Friedman's Op-Ed

I just read Thomas Friedman's article entitled Obama's Homework Assignment from Sunday's NY Times and didn't agree with most of it.  It may hold some truth in districts where kids are highly underprivileged and parents need to care a bit more about their kid's education, but in middle to upper income school districts I feel that kind of article would exacerbate many of the problems I see here in the Tri-Valley every day.  Friedman's type of logic keeps kids on the Race to Nowhere, spinning their wheels to get into colleges that only a small % will get into anyway, and following traditional definitions of success.  

We have to redefine success.  Friedmann seems to believe success is about high achieving kids, high test scores, and comparing ourselves to other countries - all of which can be accomplished by super-hero teachers and super involved, demanding parents.  Those performance-driven definitions of success lead to many of the problems he speaks of in the first place.  

The irony is that if kids were taught differently (by teachers and parents), where intrinsic motivation, creativity, problem-solving, and cooperation ruled, then all the other stuff would fall into place and test scores and high performance probably WOULD go up.  But demanding more of our already over-scheduled kids, or, expecting all teachers to be uber-incredible, or, yelling at our kids about how much time they spend on screens is not where our energies should lie.  Let's embrace their new tools and interests, let's look at them as people and not just as performers and work together with them (asking their advice) about how to improve education, one small, unique idea at a time.  Teachers and parents should be the supportive Guide on the Side, not the Sage on the Stage, as Alfie Kohn so aptly puts it.

3 Things School Taught You by Mark Manson

I'm reposting this article here because I think it's worth reading and well said.


3 Things School Taught You Without You Even Realizing It
by Mark Manson

It was high school. I was 16 and I was pissed off.

My English teacher assigned us a creative writing assignment: Write anything about being in high school. Anything.

So I wrote a story about a school shooting.

Except, in my story once the shooter was cornered by police, instead of blowing his own brains out he began teaching the children himself, executing the ones who misbehaved or didn’t follow directions. At first his executions seemed irrational and cruel. But as the kids got older, the executions became more pragmatic and designed to prepare the survivors for the “real world.” The story ended at the graduation ceremony. The shooter cried as he hugged all of his students. He congratulated them and told them how proud he was of their accomplishments.

The story received a horrible grade. But so did most of my writing assignments in school. It was always for the same handful of criticisms: I deviated too far from what was assigned; I was too personal in my writing and shared too much; my writing was sometimes offensive or just plain weird.

School convinced me I was a lousy writer. Which is weird, because now I’m a professional writer. Full-time living. Eat that Mr. Jacobs. And ironically, the reason people read me is the same reason I made bad grades in school. I deviate from conventional topics. I am extremely personal and share a lot of myself. My stories are sometimes offensive or just plain weird.

There are plenty of people out there who criticize what our education system teaches and how it teaches it. But I see no reason to get into that here. I’m no expert and I’m no teacher. I just write silly things on the internet so people will like me on Facebook.

But I do have thoughts on how the education functions, not as a platform for learning but as a platform for social/emotional development.

In the course of my research the past two years, I’ve spent a lot of time studying how we define ourselves and what that means for our happiness. Why do some people become emotionally stable and well-adjusted and some people not? Why are some people comfortable being independent and accountable and some not? Why do some people take topless selfies and some not?

(Still working on that last one.)

As I dug through the research, and it became more and more clear what sorts of influences are emotionally healthy and unhealthy for a kid growing up, I kept thinking about school and those writing assignments.

Our childhood and adolescence is when we discover how we relate to the world and how we relate to other people. It’s where we learn what success means and how to achieve it. It’s where we form our first values and establish our identities for the first time. Obviously school is not the only influence during this period — our parents and peer-group are more influential — but it’s still a major one.

When you look at school not as a place where we learned information, but as a place where we learned about ourselves, you discover there are some lessons we pick up without realizing it.

1. You learned that success comes from the approval of others

We seem to live in a culture today where people are more concerned with appearing to be something important rather than actually being something important. See: the Kardashian sisters, Donald Trump, 63% of all Instagram users, athletes who make rap albums, the entire US Congress, etc.

There are a number of reasons for this, but a large part of it is that as we grow up, we are rewarded and punished based on meeting the approval of other people’s standards, not our own. Make good grades. Take advanced courses. Play on the sports teams. Score high on standardized tests. These metrics make for a productive workforce but not a happy workforce.

The why’s of life are far more important than the what’s of life and that’s a message that is rarely communicated growing up.

You can be the best advertiser in the world, but if you’re advertising fake penis pills then your talent is not an asset to society but a liability. You can be the best investor in the world, but if you’re investing in foreign companies and countries that make their profits through corruption and human trafficking, then your talent is not an asset to society but rather a liability. You can be the best communicator in the world, but if you’re teaching religious fanaticism and racism, then your talent is not an asset, but rather a liability.

Growing up, everything you’re told to do is for no other purpose than to earn the approval of others around you. It’s to satisfy somebody else’s standard. How many times growing up did you ever hear the complaint, “This is pointless. Why do I have to learn this?” How many times do I hear adults saying, “I don’t even know what I like to do, all I know is I’m not happy.”

Our system is performance-based and not purpose-based. It teaches mimicry and not passion.

Performance-based learning isn’t even efficient. A kid who is excited about cars is going to have a hell of a much better time learning about math and physics if math physics can be put into the context of what he cares about. He’s going to retain more of it and become curious to discover more on his own.

But if he isn’t responsible for the why of what he is learning, then what he’s learning isn’t physics and math, it’s how to fake it to make someone else happy. And that’s an ugly habit to engrain into a culture. It churns out a mass of highly-efficient, low self-esteem people.

In the past few decades, concerned parents and teachers have tried to remedy this “self esteem” issue by making it easier for kids to feel successful. But this just makes the problem worse. Not only are you training kids to base their self-worth on the approval of others, but now you’re giving them that approval without them having to actually do anything to earn it!

Or as Branford Marsalis, one of the greatest saxophone players of all-time, so eloquently put it:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=5rz2jRHA9fo


The emphasis on success as external performance is a vestige of the industrial age — it molded kids into pliant worker bees, not happy individuals. It doesn’t make sense anymore.

External performance markers are fine, and likely even necessary, but they’re not sufficient anymore. There has to be a new starting point. There has to be personal purpose introduced into education at some point. There needs to be a why to learning to go with the what. The problem is that everybody’s why is personal and it’s impossible to scale. Especially when teachers are so over-worked and underpaid.

2. You learned that failure is a source of shame

Earlier this year I had lunch with one of those people that you just can’t believe exists. He had four degrees, including a masters from MIT and a PhD from Harvard (or was it a masters from Harvard and a PhD from MIT? I can’t even remember). He was at the top of his field, worked for one of the most prestigious consulting firms and had traveled all over the world working with top CEOs and managers.

And then he told me he felt stuck. He wanted to start a business but he didn’t know how.

And he wasn’t stuck because he didn’t know what to do. He knew exactly what he wanted to do. He was stuck because he didn’t know if it was the right thing to do.

He told me that throughout his entire life he had mastered the art of getting it right on the first try. That’s how schools reward you. That’s how companies reward you. They tell you what to do and then you nail it. And he could always nail it.

But when it came to creating something new, doing something innovative, stepping out into the unknown, he didn’t know how to do it. He was afraid. Innovation requires failure, and he didn’t know how to do failure. He had never failed before!

In his new book, Malcolm Gladwell wrote a chapter about how a disproportionate number of insanely successful people are dyslexic and/or high school drop outs. Gladwell suggested a simple explanation: these were talented people who for whatever reason were forced to become accustomed to failure early on in their lives. This comfort with failure allowed them to take more calculated risks and see opportunities where others weren’t looking later on.

Failure helps us. It’s how we learn. Failed job applications teach us how to be better applicants. Failed relationships teach us how to be better partners. Launching products or services that bomb teach us how to make better products and services. Failure is the path to growth. Yet we get it hammered into ourselves over and over that failure is always unacceptable. That being wrong is shameful. That you get one shot and if you screw it up, it’s over, you get a bad grade and that’s it.

But that’s not how life works at all.

3. You learned to depend on authority

Sometimes I get emails from readers who send me their life stories and then ask me to tell them what to do. Their situations are usually impossibly personal and complex. And so my answer is usually, “I have no clue.” I don’t know these people. I don’t know what they’re like. I don’t know what their values are or how they feel or where they come from. I’m just some guy who writes obnoxious shit on the internet to get more Facebook likes. How would I know?

I think there’s a tendency for most of us to be scared of not having someone tell us what to do. Being told what to do can be comfortable. It can feel safe because ultimately, you never feel entirely responsible for your fate. You’re just following the game plan.

Dependence on authority, like focus on performance over purpose, is a vestige of our industrial history. Obedience was a major societal value 100-200 years ago. It was necessary for society to thrive.

Now blind obedience causes more problems than it solves. It kills creative thinking. It promotes mindless parroting and inane certainty. It keeps crap TV on the air.

That doesn’t mean authority is always harmful. It doesn’t mean that authority serves no purpose. Authority will always exist and will always be necessary for a well-functioning society.

But we should all be capable of choosing the authority in our lives. Adherence to authority should never be compulsory, and it should never go unquestioned — whether they’re your preacher, your boss, your teacher or your best friend. No one knows what’s right for you as well as you do. And not letting kids discover that fact for themselves may be the biggest failure of all.

Outdoor Kindergarten

Thank you Sara Bennett, for posting this article on FaceBook. I want to share it here...

Into the Woods 

by Emily Bazelon

American kids don't know how to explore. Maybe what they need is forest kindergarten.

"Many kids today have never gotten physically lost. They have never been outside, in an unfamiliar place, without a parent or a GPS or a phone app to guide them. They don’t know what it’s like to lose your way in the world around you and to make do until you find it again..."

[Read the rest of the article here.]

This article reminded me of Richard Louv's book Last Child in the Woods: Saving Our Children from Nature-Deficit Disorder.

Thanksgiving Tips from Madeline Levine

Taken from: 

Courageous Parenting Blog

by: Madeline Levine, Ph.D.

Challenge Success website

Regaining Gratitude This Thanksgiving

Ever notice how ironic it is that the holiday that’s designed to make us feel serenely grateful for all that we have—our family, our friends, our prosperous life here in the land of turkey and maize and cranberry salad—falls right in the middle of the most hectic, exhausting time of the year?

Think about it. Our kids are burned out from tests and endless pages of homework. One school project follows closely on the heels of another. Sports and other extracurricular events have left all of us exhausted. Meanwhile, Hanukkah and Christmas (with all their economic, social and familial obligations) loom forebodingly on the horizon.

So how can we pause for a day in the midst of all the chaos and stress—not to mention the weird family dynamics that must be navigated over the Thanksgiving table—and just feel thankful?

The complete answer to that question could fill a book! (And if you know a good one, I’d love the name of it!) But because parenting is my area of expertise, I will zero in on our (complicated, stressful, worry-filled) relationship with our children.

Twenty-first century parents fret. It’s what we do. We wring our hands over our kids’ grades, their social development, their performance on the playing field, their future.

Yet it’s been proven again and again that all of our overparenting behaviors—our bribes, our threats, our micromanagement, our insistence that kids do more, better, faster—not only don’t work, they have the opposite effect. Our frantic efforts to give our kids “an edge” are harming rather than helping them.

And so, based on the knowledge that anxiety and gratitude can’t co-exist, let’s all just relax and trust the research. By research I mean the reams of solid scientific evidence that proves backing off a little is the best thing we can do for our kids.

Below are 10 resolutions that I originally wrote for the beginning of the school year. In the spirit of Thanksgiving I have repurposed them here. I think they speak to the mindset that keeps us from living in the moment and truly savoring the all-too-short time we really have with our kids.

Ten Resolutions For Becoming a More Grateful Parent:

1. I will make sure my child gets a full night’s sleep. Kids need between nine and 12 hours a night. Sleep deprivation impairs concentration, memory, and the ability to accurately read emotional cues. It makes kids crabby and compromises their ability to learn.

2. I will remember that I am a parent, not a CEO. Results are down the line, not at the end of the quarter. This means the occasional “B” or “C” will not break your child’s future prospects. Stop catastrophizing. You won’t see the final fruits of your parenting until your child is grown and gone.

3. I will remember the success trajectory is a squiggle ... not a straight line. Few of us become successful by simply putting one foot in front of the other. Most of us encounter a multitude of twists, turns, direction changes, and stops on the way to our goals.

4. I will love the child in front of me. Appreciate and be thankful for your child’s unique gifts. Children are talented in a multitude of different ways. See your child’s particular talents clearly.

5. I will not push my child to be perfect. Besides genetics, perfectionism is the strongest predictor of clinical depression. Life is full of mistakes, imperfect days, and human failings. Kids need to learn how to cope with these inevitabilities. They (and you) need to be able to feel happiness and gratitude in the face of imperfection.

6. I will not do for my child what he can do for himself. This kills motivation and the ability to innovate. Both are missing from too many young people in today’s workforce.

7. I will not do for my child what she can almost do for herself. At one time your child could almost walk. Now she can walk. Enough said.

8. I will not confuse my needs with my child’s needs. This is the most toxic manifestation of overparenting. Get a hobby or a therapist instead.

9. I will honor the importance of PDF (Play Time, Down Time and Family Time). Don’t overschedule. Kids need time to play, daydream, and just hang out. It’s in these precious “between” times that crucial developmental tasks are accomplished.

10. I will value my own (adult) life. Being a happy, fulfilled, and yes, grateful adult makes you a better parent. It’s one of the best gifts you can give your child. It makes adulthood look like something worth striving for.

When we observe Thanksgiving the way I believe we’re meant to, we realize that life is truly rich and bountiful. As parents, we’ve been given life’s greatest gift. Learning to appreciate and honor that gift may mean breaking the culturally sanctioned patterns that cause us to unknowingly damage our kids even as we seek to make life better for them.

Overparenting is about anxiously exerting control. Gratitude is about accepting what we’ve been given and noticing the joy that it brings. This Thanksgiving weekend, let’s try to do less of the former and more of the latter. And from here out, let’s try to guide and teach our kids without seeking to force them into the mold that we (and society) believe they should conform to. When you can master that balance you will become a perpetually grateful parent.

Too Much Homework?

I've been asked by many parents through the years what they should do if they feel their child's homework load is excessive.  It's a tough question to answer because there is no one answer.  And, really, that's why I started this blog, to be a resource for parents, teachers and students who were struggling with issues of quality and quantity of homework.

I suggest you start with this article called
Homework: How Much Is Too Much.

This informative article gives you suggestions about how to talk to teachers about homework expectations, it mentions the 10-minute/grade level rule, it gives great book suggestions, it opens a dialogue for an opt-out policy, it gives a sample school district homework policy guideline, it suggests healthy ways kids can spend their time NOT doing homework.

You have to do your own homework to deal with this issue.  Sadly, there is no one, quick solution, so I suggest you read this article, and start here.

My journey with this issue began when I read The Homework Myth by Alfie Kohn and had an informal discussion with friends about it.  I also found the website Stop Homework by Sara Bennett.  The good news is that in the six years I've been reading and writing about this subject, much awareness has been brought to this topic. Dig around my blog a little and you will find a multitude of resources to help you in your grassroots effort to re-think established homework norms.

I have so many excellent resources listed on my blue sidebar on the right side of this blog.  Check out: Homework Articles, Homework DVDs and Audio, Books on Homework.

Your journey has already begun by finding my blog!  Pass it on to others who also struggle with this topic.

And, feel free to leave comments.

Balance, Breathe, Believe

Now that autumn is officially here, and school is well under way, it’s time to pause and evaluate your family’s schedule.  Are you feeling stressed about the number of activities you have on your plate and your child’s plate?  Are you feeling burdened by your child’s homework load?  Are you feeling a little sweaty when you go into Costco and see the Christmas decorations already for sale, before Halloween even has a chance to come and go?

Whoa!   How do we slow this down?

Balance.

Just say “NO.”  Sometimes we have to allow ourselves to say “no” to take care of ourselves and to keep our family’s best interests at heart.  It’s ok to say NO to yet another volunteer request at your child’s school.  It’s ok to say NO to taking on another project at work.  It’s ok to say NO to your spouse when he or she asks you to do something that you know will send you over the edge.  It’s ok to say NO to signing up your child for yet another activity, no matter how much peer pressure you get from friends.  It’s ok to say NO to making a purchase that doesn’t make financial sense.  It’s ok to say NO to entertaining your mother-in-law, again.  Give yourself permission to set limits when it concerns maintaining balance for yourself and your family.

Breathe.

Breathing in and out through your nose has a calming effect on your nervous system.  When you find yourself in a stressful situation, try to slow your heart rate down by breathing in and out through your nose.  Try this.  Put your hands on your belly, as you inhale (through your nose), inflate your belly like a balloon.  Then as you exhale (through your nose), expel the air from your belly as you move your belly button toward your spine.  Inhale and inflate the belly, then exhale and expel the air or deflate the belly.  Do this a few times.  Then just breathe slowly in and out through your nose, letting your belly go.  This is really effective if you can do it lying down, with your eyes closed, or sitting in a comfortable position with your eyes closed.  But, if that isn’t realistic, just belly breathe even for a few seconds whenever you can.  No one will even know you are doing it.

Believe.

Believe in this moment.  And, be in the moment.  It’s the easiest advice to give, and the hardest to master. Think about this moment, right now.  Take it one moment at a time.  Don’t think about the past, it’s gone.  Don’t worry about the future, it’s not here yet.  Just be right here, right now - even sitting in traffic, even when someone is yelling at you, even when you are running late, even when you have to be three places at once.  Know that everything is already ok, and put the past and future out of your mind, if even for just a few moments.  Being present really is a present you give yourself.

6 Things That Matter More Than Grades

I'm re-posting Madeline Levine's blog post from the Challenge Success website below. In a nutshell, she writes that the following six things are more important than perfect grades:


• Having Friends – one of the best predictors of mental health. Kids who are too preoccupied with grades and put all their energy into studying don’t have the necessary time to cultivate strong relationships. Other people tend to be seen as ways to gain an advantage rather than as potential sources of mutual support. Sometimes parents say, “They can make friends later.” No they can’t. Being a good friend takes a great deal of practice beginning early in life.

• Character – integrity, honesty, reliability. These are the kinds of traits that we look for in friends, spouses and workers. This country has seen enough despair brought on by people who lack a basic sense of decency and responsibility to others.

• Resilience – Try to make it through life without a good set of coping skills. Impossible. Life throws lots of curve balls at us and will at our children. Learning how to manage: how to delay gratification, to exert self-control, to soothe one’s self, to fall down and get up again – are mandatory so that our children are not undone when faced with challenge. And they will be faced with challenge.

• Interests/Passions – I’m tentative about using the word “passion,” hence the interests/passions qualifier. I’ve had moms call me worried that their four-year-old child doesn’t have a “passion.” Life is their passion. Depending on temperament, for many kids, interest is enough. But Chloe is right when she says she isn’t really “learning anything.” Real interests and passions grow out of talent, time and practice. They make life rich.

• Collaboration – Every C-level executive I’ve spoken with underscores the need for collaboration in the workplace. In our “flat” world, problems are so complex, that they will not be solved by individuals sitting in a room and being hit by a bolt of lightening. People working together, often across cultures and time zones will solve them. And of course, we all know the benefit of having a collaborative spouse or best friend.

• Self-Reflection – Socrates said, “The unexamined life is not worth living.” Whether you’re a fan of psychology or not, having the time and inclination to understand one’s self is critical to making good decisions, to understanding motives and to appreciating the challenges that living presents. Kids who are busy “climbing the ladder” from early on will often say they don’t have time to “think about things.” Big mistake. Without thinking about things, one is likely to repeat mistakes and feel “lost.” A sense of self comes from many places, but can’t be constructed without time devoted to self-reflection.


I agree with Madeline Levine. Read the whole post here.

Your thoughts?

Parenting Tips to Start the School Year off Right

These strategies are from the Challenge Success website.

To see the link click here.

• Define success on your terms. 
  Take time to consider the qualities you hope your children have when they leave the nest. How you define success is analogous to your mission statement as a parent. Without considering this explicitly, many families unwittingly default to the prevailing, narrow notion of success. Resist parent peer pressure, be informed and trust your gut.
• Maintain play time, down time, and family time. Avoid over-scheduling. 
  Young children need ample time for their most important job: unstructured play. Kids of all ages need restorative time to reflect and dream. And families need time together: at meals, on weekends, and during vacations to connect and form lasting bonds.
• Love your children unconditionally. 
  The basis for healthy emotional development is a sense of being lovable. Make sure your children know that they are loved for who they are, not only for how well they perform. Value the uniqueness of each child.
• Discipline and set limits. 
  There are two sides to parenting: warmth and discipline. Warmth is easier, but discipline is equally important. Children feel secure and cared for when their parents are willing to set limits. This is how children learn important skills like self-control and frustration tolerance. Don't worry about your child's temporary anger or indignation when you set limits. It will pass.
• Allow kids space to develop on their own and make mistakes. 
  Kids today experience unprecedented levels of adult direction and intervention. Whenever possible, let kids play and work on their own. Encourage appropriate risk-taking and allow kids to make mistakes--and learn from them. Self-direction and risk-taking breed resilience, creative thinking, and long-term success.
• Build responsibility at home and in the community. 
  Have children help in age-appropriate ways with chores around the house. This requires you to take time to show children how to do the chores and to allow tasks to get done differently (and sometimes not as well) as if you did them yourself. It also reminds children that they are a contributing, capable part of a family team, not an entitled member served by parents. As they get older, encourage children to be active participants in their community, and set an example by being involved yourself.
• Unplug. 
  Set limits on the amount of time your children watch TV, play screen-based games, instant message, and use the computer recreationally. For young children, less than an hour or so per day is a good starting point. Older kids also need limits on their screen time and the content they watch. All screen time is not equal, and you need to be aware of what your child is watching and with whom they are communicating. Children need ample time to interact with real people, without technology, and to be in the natural world.
• Ease performance pressure. 
  For many young people, the questions parents ask most often are: "How did you do on the test? Have you done your homework?" The subtle message to kids is that performance and results matter most. Instead, emphasize the importance of effort, hard work, resilience, and intellectual curiosity by asking open-ended, non-judgmental questions such as, "How did the day go?"
• Debunk college myths. 
  Make sure your children understand that there are many different paths to success after high school. There are many, many excellent colleges, all with different attributes and personalities; none right for everyone. Help your child find the "right fit." Some students may fare better attending a junior college or other post-secondary option (such as gap year, travel programs, or trade schools).